


you & i would look gouda together

by softhar



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (HA GET IT), It's basically a crack fic, a Lot of cheese puns, it's inspired by real events that's all i have to say, ok so, the ending is rly fucking cheesy bUT, there's a mouse, this fic is .... such a mess yall, writing it feels like a fever dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 23:01:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18214829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softhar/pseuds/softhar
Summary: “Look at this tiny bab!” Harry exclaims happily, smiling so widely at the little mouse that he can feel the dimples on his cheeks. “Can we keep it?”“Please?” Niall drags out the e as he turns around to face the other two and sticks his lip out into a pout. “We can take it to the vet and let the doctors give it medicine and shit.”“Niall, it’s… it’s cute but we are not fucking keeping this mouse!” Liam tells them with a shake of his head, a shocked look on his face. The same look appears on Louis’ face when Liam pulls the spatula away from him, having realised he’s not trying to hit anyone with it anymore and shoves it down in his pants with a satisfied smirk.





	you & i would look gouda together

**Author's Note:**

> hello everybody welcome to this chaotic dumb fic. if u have any questions like "what the frick is this" or anything related u can find me on [tumblr](http://roseanchor.tumblr.com)  
> this fic is inspired by true events n if u don't believe me just message me ;)  
> ANYWAY enjoy the fic thank u

“ _ WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A FUCKING MOUSE IN THE BLOODY KITCHEN SINK? _ ” Is what the first thing Harry hears when his body hits the cold floor with a loud thud. Before he can register what’s happening, though, a bare foot hits his cheek and a heavy body falls on his shin, causing him to let out a loud yelp and kick at the person sitting on his legs — which just happens to be a barely awake Liam. 

Louis’ shrill screams ring through the flat and Harry can feel Liam quickly shuffling onto his feet without hurting Harry even more, apologies falling from his mouth as he holds out a hand for Harry to take, but Harry just lays on the ground, tiredly blinking his eyes up at the three-year-old tea stain on the ceiling and wondering why the  _ fuck  _ he decided movie night would be a good idea. All the lights in the flat are off, except for the one in the kitchen, and Harry doesn’t even know what time it is because the curtains had been drawn together when the credits of  _ The Proposal  _ started appearing in the telly.

“What the fuck is he yellin’ abou’”? Niall yawns as he pulls his foot away from Harry’s face, knocking his glasses off his nose in the process.

“Someth’n’ about a mouse,” Harry mutters, standing up slowly while perching his glasses back on his nose, his limbs heavy and tired as he stretches them. Liam is already in the kitchen — because  _ of course he is _ — and he’s trying to calm Louis down while said man just keeps screaming at the top of his lungs.

“I swear I am going to kill this man someday,” Niall tells him as he makes his way into the kitchen and slides his glasses on top of his dishevelled dark hair, Harry shuffling quietly behind him.

“You’re not the only one,” Liam says as soon as they enter the kitchen. Harry’s toes curl in his socks the moment they step on the cold tiles, and the sight makes him stop dead in his tracks and suck in his cheeks to keep himself from collapsing on the floor and laughing his ass off.

Louis is crouched down on the small table in the middle of the kitchen, his clothes rumpled and probably still warm from sleep and his glasses hang from the collar of his shirt, and he’s waving Harry’s  _ special wooden spatula _ in his hand around in the air while he continues yelling nonsense and Harry just wonders how he hasn’t run out of air yet. Liam is standing in front of him, a hand on Louis’ shoulder while he tries to explain to him that  _ the mouse is not even that big, Jesus. _

“For fuck’s sake, just put the fuckin’ mouse outside,” Niall mumbles under his breath, pushing past Harry to move over to the sink. The room is quiet for a second, Louis apparently having realised that  _ he needs air _ , but as always, it doesn’t last.

“Niall, no!” Louis yells at him, still waving the spatula around and not realising how close he’s been to hitting Liam on the head with it. “It’s a monster! It’s going to bite you and you’re going to  _ die _ !”

“Lou, stop being so dramatic,” Harry snorts whilst slowly walking closer to him to get  _ his  _ spatula back, but Louis just aggressively points it at him and loudly hisses, so he just puts his hands up in surrender and takes a step back, his chest shaking as he tries to contain his laughter.

“ _ Oh my god, it’s so cute _ !” Niall suddenly squeals and turns toward the other three with the biggest smile on his face. Liam finally gives up on trying to also take the spatula from Louis after getting whacked in the head with it and leans back against the doorway next to Harry, his arms crossed over his chest.

“It is  _ not _ !” Louis exclaims with wide eyes, looking genuinely confused at Niall’s words.

“Wait, seriously?” Harry asks, completely ignoring Louis protests, and pushes himself off the wall, dragging his feet over to where Niall is, half expecting to see a wet rat hissing up at them and trying to climb out of the sink, but when he looks in, he lets out the loudest — and  _ manliest  _ — squeal. “IT’S THE CUTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!”

Curled up against the corner, the smallest and most round mouse Harry has ever seen in his entire life looks up at them, its tiny body visibly shaking. Its grey fur is a big contrast against the stark white sink and his long tail is rolled up close to its body. It has a pair of wide, black eyes under the tiny grey ears on the top of his head and if Harry looks close enough, he can see two mini pink paws peeking out from under its body.

“Look at this tiny bab!” Harry exclaims happily, smiling so widely at the little mouse that he can  _ feel _ the dimples on his cheeks. “Can we keep it?”

“ _ Please _ ?” Niall drags out the  _ e _ as he turns around to face the other two and sticks his lip out into a pout. “We can take it to the vet and let the doctors give it medicine and shit.”

“Niall, it’s… it’s cute but we are  _ not _ fucking keeping this mouse!” Liam tells them with a shake of his head, a shocked look on his face. The same look appears on Louis’ face when Liam pulls the spatula away from him, having realised he’s not trying to hit anyone with it anymore and shoves it down in his pants with a satisfied smirk.

“We have to keep it, Li!” Harry tells them, hopping on top of the counter like a little kid and swinging his legs back and forth happily, sending a bright grin to an open-mouthed Louis.

“Liam Payne, I swear to God. Do  _ not  _ listen to the toddlers,” Louis warns him without looking away from Harry, who just sticks his tongue out at him childishly and in return gets a playful glare from his boyfriend.

“Louis, you are  _ literally _ standing on the table right now because you got scared by a  _ small mouse _ ,” Liam retorts, rolling his eyes. Louis turns to look at him with his tongue out and lets out a loud huff as he sits down on his ass, his short legs hanging from the edge of the table.

“We can name it Marvel!” Harry glances down at the sink to check up on the tiny animal, his nose scrunching up a little when he sees it hasn’t moved from its corner. “It’s so small, I already love it with my whole ass heart.”

“No! Let’s name him Despacito,” Niall says, giving Harry a toothy grin when he glares at Niall. “I’ve known him for a minute and a half but if anything happened to him, I  _ will _ kill everyone in this room and then myself.”

“God, I’m living with children,” Liam mutters before walking out of the kitchen, shaking his head in disappointment.

“Liam, don’t listen to them!” Louis yells as he hops off the table and runs after him, flailing his arms when he slips backwards but manages to latch onto the doorway in time, muttering darkly, “I hate socks so much.”

Harry rolls his eyes at the scene and waits until Louis is out of the kitchen before turning toward Niall, who is cooing quietly and wiggling his index finger at the mouse and has  _ the  _ fondest look on his face. “We should name it… Cheeze It.”

He hears Liam yell ‘ _ STOP! _ ’ from somewhere in the flat, probably his room, and then a loud crash, but Niall is slapping him over the head and saying, “No! We’re naming it Despacito!”

The house is quiet for a while, but then an idea pops into Harry’s head and suddenly he’s hopping off the counter and there’s a handful of Niall’s blue shirt in his hands and he’s shaking Niall back and forth, causing his glasses to fall off his head and land next to the sink. “We have to name it Egg Nut!”

Niall just stares at him, bright blue eyes unblinking, and for a moment Harry thinks Niall is going to punch him, but Liam’s walking back into the kitchen with a dull yellow bucket in his hand, stopping short at the sight of Harry still holding Niall’s shirt. 

“I… have no idea what’s going on in here, but,” Liam starts, putting the bucket on the table Louis was previously standing on. Harry immediately lets go of Niall’s shirt and wipes his hands down on his worn-out Red Hot Chilli Peppers shirt, lacing them together behind his back while plastering an innocent grin on his face. “We’re putting this mouse outside.”

“His name, Liam, is Egg Nut,” Niall announces, ignoring the way Liam lets out  _ the _ loudest snort and bumps his shoulder against Harry’s gently. “His middle name is Despacito. So his name is, uh… Egg Nut Despacito Horan Styles.”

“Hey!” Harry exclaims, slipping his hand under Niall’s shirt to pinch his side, laughing at the way Niall hisses and immediately steps away from Harry. “First of all, why is your last name first, you arse? And second of all. No, Liam! What if it dies? Or a bird eats it?”

“Harry. We don’t want in here biting everyone or making a mess!” Liam says in exasperation just as Louis comes running in and stops himself just before he crashes into Liam.

“Listen to Liam,” he wags a finger at Harry and Niall, who have their arms crossed over their chest and their shoulders raised up to their chin and probably look like a pair of four-year-olds. “He’s the only reasonable one right now.”

“Again, Louis,” Liam sighs and Harry thinks he is two seconds away from packing up his things and moving out. “You stood  _ on the table _ because that small mouse scared the shit out of you.”

“ _ Excuse you,  _ Liam,” Louis dramatically gasps and puts his hand on his chest. “I am done with you. You are  _ mean  _ to me. You  _ insult  _ me and you never appreciate anything I do! You’re  _ always  _ pushing me around or pushing me away and I am sick of it!”

Harry watches as Liam simply stares at Louis for a second before he lets out the deepest sigh ever and slowly shakes his head, walking over to the cupboard and opening it. He spends a moment rummaging through it and then pulls out a small box of what seem to be peanut butter biscuits.

“What are you doing?” Niall asks, curiously cocking his head to the side as Liam pulls out a biscuit from the bag and drops it in the sink, probably scaring the poor mouse even more.

“Giving it a peace offering,” Liam answers, craning his neck to look into the sink. Harry copies his movements and he instantly feels his heart melt at the sight of the mouse — er, Egg Nut — wiggling his nose at it a little bit, probably sniffing the biscuit, then hesitatingly moving towards it. “I have to admit it, it’s so fucking cute.”

“He looks like a ball of fur, I love him so much,” Harry whispers, putting his hand over his chest and watching Egg Nut with wide eyes.

“It’s infected you,” Louis suddenly says from behind Harry, scaring the  _ shit _ out of him, and stands on his tiptoes to hook his chin over Harry’s shoulder. “You’re all monsters now too.”

Harry moves his hand back to pinch Louis’ stomach over his shirt, earning a loud shriek from him and a slap on the head. Pouting, Harry reaches up to rub at the sore spot and shakes his bum to get Louis to move away from him.

“Hey hey hey. D’you wanna hear a joke?” Harry asks excitedly once Louis has moved back to his spot on top of the table. Everyone in the room turns to look at him with fear in their eyes, but he just leans back against the counter, rubs his hands together and tries to contain the giggles that want to escape his mouth. “What is… the most religious cheese in the world?”

He hears the other three collectively deeply sigh and he thinks he sees Louis puts his head in his hands from the corner of his eye, but quiet giggles are starting to fall past his pursed lips and his shoulders are shaking a little, so just excitedly yells, “SWISS! ‘CAUSE IT’S  _ HOLY _ !”

Niall stares at him for a second, eyes moving over his face, before throwing his arms in the air and actually  _ walking out  _ of the kitchen, the sound of his feet stomping against the floor as he walks to his room making Harry huff loudly and put his hands on his hips.

“ _ Anyway _ ,” Liam says, the corners of his mouth curling up a little as he completely ignores Harry’s joke — which,  _ rude _ — and Niall’s dramatic exit. “How ‘bout we just make a little backpack and put a ton of peanut butter biscuits in it and just send him on his way?”

“Liam, I love you. Marry me,” Harry deadpans and gets down on one knee, resisting the urge to wince at the cold seeping in through his pyjama pants and instead winking up at an amused-looking Liam. “You and I would… look  _ gouda together. _ ”

“Oi! You’re supposed to be proposing to  _ me _ , you fucker.” Louis turns from side to side, looking for his — Harry’s — spatula before realising Liam has taken it, turning to look at him with his eyebrows furrowed together just in time to see Liam kick Harry’s shin and Harry dramatically falling to the floor. “First of all, Payne, where’d you put the fucking spatula? Second of all, you don’t get to kick my boyfriend for his awful jokes, only  _ I  _ get to do that.”

“Can you imagine, though?” Harry asks from his spot on the floor, still clutching his throbbing shin. “Lil Egg Nut with a tiny backpack? I think I am going to  _ cry _ . What’s he doing now?”

“Nothing, probably,” Niall says as he walks back into the kitchen, a blue-frosted cupcake in his hand. He stops mid-bite, glancing up from the cupcake to find the others staring at him with puzzled looks. He shrugs his shoulders and goes back to eating it,  “What? It was Theo’s birthday last week and Greg gave me a whole box of ‘em.”

“And it didn’t cross your mind to offer us?!” Louis squawks in offence as he —finally — puts his glasses on and stops squinting his eyes like an eighty-year-old lady. “That’s fuckin’ rude, Horan.”

Niall ignores him, producing an even more offended huff from Louis, and makes his way to the sink, carelessly stepping over Harry’s body. When he looks inside, he starts choking on his cupcake, and Harry considers looking inside but then Niall’s coughing really loudly without covering his mouth and doing a… dance Harry’s never seen before.

“My  _ heart _ !” Niall yells excitedly, looking seconds away from crawling into the sink and somehow crawling out of the window with Egg Nut in one hand and his cupcake in another. “I only want the best for him, Jesus.”

“What’s he doing?” Harry perks up and rapidly scrambles up onto his feet, pressing his shoulder against Niall’s. The peanut butter biscuit Liam had put there before is completely gone and Egg Nut is walking in small circles looking for another one. “Payne! Our baby needs another biscuit!”

Cursing them under his breath, Liam picks up the box and pulls out another biscuit and drops it on Harry’s outstretched hand. Harry drops the biscuit in the sink —  _ gentler _ , this time — and watches with Niall as Egg Nut quickly nibbles on it, Louis and Liam muttering under their breaths as Liam keeps handing Harry biscuits for the little mouse.

 

✫ ✫ · . ⋆ ✧ . ⋆ . ˚ . · .. · ˚ ˚ * . ✹

 

Turns out, the Tesco two blocks from their flat doesn’t close until 11:30. Also turns out, their lazy asses slept through the entire day so when they stepped out, the street was quiet except for the few cars driving by, the few visible stars on the dark sky shining brightly and the only source of light being the streetlamps on the sidewalk. By the moment they’re out of the flat, though, it’s 10:45 because Harry spent probably half an hour looking for those  _ horrendous and useless rings. Fuck’s sake, Harry. You don’t need them.  _ When they were finally out the door, Harry grabbed Louis’ hand, gave it a small squeeze and said, “God, I sure hope we don’t run out of cheese in  _ queso emergency _ ”, earning him a slap across the head from each person.

Inside Tesco, the lights are bright and they make Harry’s eyes squint behind his glasses and the air conditioning is turned on so high he regrets not bringing a sweater along with him even though it’s probably 20 degrees outside right now, and instead snuggles into Louis’ side and smiles at the way he instantly wraps his arm around Harry’s waist.

“Okay, so. Where d’you think the cheeses are?” Niall asks, glancing back at Liam, who of course brought a jacket with him and is talking with the only person in the entire place, his hands comfortably slipped into his pockets.

“In the cheese aisle, you dumbass,” Louis retorts, rolling his eyes. He smirks a bit and tightens his grip around Harry but then he lets out a loud shout and rubs his ear with his free hand, glaring at an innocent-looking Niall.

Harry just snorts and shakes his head, whining quietly when Louis slips two fingers under his shirt and pinches his hip. Louis just smirks, satisfied, and looks back at Liam, who’s finally done talking and is already making his way to them.

“Alright, lads,” he says, a small smile on his face. “The cheese is in the same hallway as the milk and shit like that, and I looked up on Google which kind of cheeses are the best for mice and apparently they prefer soft cheese so like. Cheddar and all those. Apparently they also really like biscuits, so.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” Niall breathes out, rubbing his hands together as they start making their way to the dairy aisle.

“Hey, guys. Do you wanna hear another joke?” Harry smiles from ear to ear, ignoring the way each of his friends throw their head back and groan out a loud ‘ _ no _ !’ “What’s a pirate’s favourite cheese? Chedd- _ ARGH _ !”

“Jesus  _ Christ _ , I’m going to fuckin’ kill him,” Louis mutters and rips his arm away from Harry’s waist and stomps away from the group, Liam and Niall following after him with amused grins on their faces.

“You have to marry me first!” Harry calls after him happily, slipping his hands into his back pockets as he follows his friends.

“That is  _ the _ gayest thing you have said to me, Styles,” Louis tells him as soon as he reaches the aisle, his eyes especially bright and blue behind his thick glasses and under the fluorescent lights. 

“That is definitely  _ not _ the gayest thing—” Liam starts but Harry interrupts him by putting his finger up, the corners of his mouth curling up into a small smirk, dimples carving into his cheeks. “You look like a frog.”

“Sh, Liam! I’m trying to be gay!” Harry doesn’t look away from Louis, who is just looking at him with an eyebrow raised and his arms crossed over his chest. “I wanna grow mould with you… Just like blue cheese.”

“Jesus Christ.” Niall throws his arms in the air in exasperation and turns to the lit up cheese section, standing in front of the part with a ton of different kinds of string cheeses Harry is now really considering buying.

“I’m gonna go give back the ring right now,” Louis finally says after a few seconds of silence, smirking at the way Harry chokes on his own spit and Liam pats him on the back, looking even more amused than before and not a bit shocked at Louis’ statement.

“You’re…  _ what _ ?” Harry croaks out, glancing up at Louis with tears in his eyes and the back of his throat itching. Even though he’s blurry, Louis is leaning against one of the refrigerator doors, fiddling with the hem of the shirt that was probably once Harry’s but now it’s his and looking extremely confident even though what he just said almost gave Harry a heart attack and he’s pushing his glasses up his nose with the tip of his finger — and Harry wonders when they all became a glass-wearing  _ squad _ , as the kids would say these days — and he’s got crinkles by his eyes and Harry has never felt this fond of a human being in his life.

“Yeah, ‘ve had it for… ‘bout two years and a half,” Louis shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. “They probably won’t take it back since it’s been years since I got it but… it’s worth a try, don’t ya think?”

“Lou, I love you so much,” Harry whispers and takes two long steps towards his boyfriend who looks like he can’t decide whether he wants to laugh or cry, tightly wrapping his arms around Louis’ waist and hiding his face in his neck. Louis instantly curls his arms around Harry’s shoulders and holds him close, rubbing his back soothingly. “Love you so fucking much.”

“Can you two  _ not  _ fuck while we’re here?” Liam asks from somewhere behind Harry, making him snort wetly and kick his leg back blindly, hoping to hit Liam with his heel but all he’s met with is air. “I don’t think the security cameras want to  _ endure _ what Niall and I have gone through.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, Li,” Louis laughs, giving Harry’s body one final squeeze before letting go of him. “Alright, now that  _ that’s _ done, let’s get this mouse’s cheese and go home.”

“Egg Nut!” Niall corrects him happily. He holds out his hand and wags his finger at Louis and Harry, his mouth trembling as he tries to hold back a smile. “And don’t you  _ dare _ fuck in front of him because I  _ will _ cut both your dicks off.”

“Aye, aye, cap’n’.” Harry puts his hands up in the air, Louis copying his actions just a second later, and grins so widely he feels his face might split at any moment. “Hey hey hey. What kind of music does a cheese listen to?”

“Harry, I swear to God. I’m kicking you out of the flat if you finish that joke.”

“But I’m your fiance-to-be!”

“I’ll help him.”

“You’re all so rude to me!”

“Sorry, mate. Your jokes are awful.”

“But it’s R’n’Brie!”

“ _ Get the fuck out _ .”

**Author's Note:**

> hi! thank u for enjoying the fic i hope it made u blow air out of ur nose harder than usually at least once. u can also find the tumblr post right [here](http://thehltour.tumblr.com/post/183660474227/you-i-would-look-gouda-together-look-at-this) n it would mean a lot if u could reblog it. thank u xx


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